CIN'S SPACE

This blog has been in my head for a couple of weeks and I hadn’t really had time to sit down and write, but also kind of glad I waited as the emotion part is a lot calmer now. I don’t tend to write much in English when it comes to my emotions but I stay true to whatever language my mind and heart want to talk in. I know it’s odd but hey… I guess that’s the thing about being me…lol!

So as I get closer to getting married a billion one thoughts have popped into my head from excitement, to recognising how absolutely crazy we are, to those limiting beliefs around love and crazy thoughts that people say are normal. I have to admit I have probably had some added extras just because of my own personal journey on who I am and what people expect of me. The reason I wanted to write this post (and I did get my fiancee’s opinion about it beforehand) was because I wanted anyone out there who maybe is going through something similar to know that they are not alone and two that thanks to some wonderful people in my life I can focus on the excitement of it all instead of some of the evil voices in my head.

I realised there was a mental block around this whole thing because I was feeling like a pendulum probably from a week after my lovely fiancee proposed. I went from being hysterically happy and excited to full of anxiety and fear. Not because I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married, but because inside I was dealing with my own shit (pardon my french).

If 10 years or even 3 years ago you would have told me I’d be here getting ready to marry a man I would have died laughing. The truth of it is since I was a teenager I had to deal with this whole “I like girls” situation and it didn’t always bode well, I lost friends, had huge fights with loved ones about it, and even had to endure a week of my mom not talking to me at a point. So it was hard going. I eventually made peace with the fact that when I found the one the wedding would probably be mainly my friends and not many family members.

Before my fiance came back into my life I use to visualise finding my person. I imagined walking down the aisle in my white dress to my very hot wife in her white dress. I imagined having to teach my children about why our family looked slightly different to some of their friends and prepared myself for the battles ahead with society.

I also knew that at that point almost a bit over 2 years ago I was ready. I was ready to meet the person of my dreams, my person, the one. The universe responded of course, just in its own way.

The thing is as time gets closer to the big day there have been some thoughts that have been haunting me to say the least and I guess this is my way of just saying them to a wider audience, possibly just catharsis or wanting to help others who  may feel the same.

  1. I always talk about labels and how much I can never really find one that fit. So all my life I considered myself an L. The truth is the rainbow is so much broader than 2 -3 colours and somewhere along the line I forgot that, but so have others. Well intentioned friends have asked if I am ok and if I’m sure this is what I want. I mean it’s been over a year since we’ve been together, of course I am ok plus he is not my first boyfriend either. It took me a long time to accept the fact that I could fall in love with the opposite sex, that it wasn’t my norm but it also wasn’t impossible. I’ve already had to deal with that myself and was the main reason the first time my fiancee came into my life I f**ed it up. So I understand why they ask, but let’s face it I’m not the type of person to just go with the flow.
  2. And yes of course the second half of this messed up voices that get in my head are like “but you went through all that growing up…and for what?”. This has been a harder voice to keep quiet. Having been through hell and back, coming in and out of the closet, dealing with homophobia, biphobia and all other type of phobias and having been one of the 1st out in university to have others say “end up with a guy” well was it worth it? or that I’m betraying the cause…well to be honest, this is why I am glad I’m writing this now. Because it has been so worth it, I have got to experience amazing things and I will always be a very proud member of my LGBTQ+ community. Just because my person turned out to be an exception to the rule, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid and it doesn’t mean I won’t keep fighting for equality and inclusion as hard or even harder. Because this voice should not have even existed in my head. Seriously, what’s wrong with people?!
  3. “Because you end up with a guy you are now straight”. Ok, this heteronormative society can kiss my ass. The worst thing is that the first people to imply such a scandalous thing although they were talking more about the fact that people would just assume I’m straight or that I could now just consider myself a straight ally were close LGBTQ+ friends. I don’t think I’ve felt that hurt in a long time. I thought I brushed it off but last week this particular thought made me really angry and sad. I am not straight, have never been straight and will never be straight. As I said in point 2, I will always be part of the LGBTQ+ community. I will not stop sharing my story, or edit parts out when talking about my past just to make others comfortable. I am sure that if I ever meet Emma Watson I will probably just melt, because loving girls was not just a phase and it will always be a part of who I am.

So what’s helped me now feel calmer, and so terribly excited about the next steps:

  1. My fiancee. When I told him about writing this post I also told him, people said you would be upset if I keep considering myself LGBTQ+ and he said that he understood if I felt like I needed to write this, he said I didn’t need to give anyone any explanations, not even him, and he also said whoever loves you will love you as you are. This is why despite everything this is a much calmer version of this post, because he is right and that’s one of the many reasons I love him. (Other reasons are because he makes me laugh, feel sexy, he is really smart and have I mentioned makes me laugh?)
  2. My best friends. One is straight, one is not. They are however my rocks and the ones I feel I can share the best and darkest side of me. One was there since the first time I fell in love with my now fiancee, and she never questioned or said anything, she saw me and knew it was love. She’s always been there for me and has supported me and has shown me exactly what my fiancee said, that those who really matter will love you just as you are. My other friend hearing some of these voices in my head asked me if she had ever made me feel guilty for being with a boy? And I was like no, not you, you’ve been nothing but supportive and loving. She always tells me and helps me through the voices and also says we owe no one an explanation. She’s super excited for me and what my future holds because true friends just want you to be happy.

Having them in my life makes me full of gratitude, a calm serenity and a certainty that all I need to do is listen to my heart. If you are still reading this I implore you do too… One thing that helped me was at a business conference when someone described themselves “as a straight woman who married a woman” and I thought, that’s it, that’s me just different.

With love always, may you fill your life with all the colours of the rainbow.

X

Cin

Aún no existes

Y ya te amo

Te imagino

Te visualizo

Y doy gracias cada día

Por la posibilidad de ti.

Preparada,

No, aún no lo estoy

Pero quien lo está?

Así que con ansias te espero.

Miedo,

Todos los días,

A ver en el mundo a mi alrededor

Pero si algo sé

Es que intento hacerlo mejor para ti.

Aún no existes

Y ya te imagino

Caminar, hablar y lograr tus sueños.

La gente quiere que sea realista

Prepararme y ser adulta para tu llegada

Pero yo digo que entonces no te anhelaría como lo hago

Y no te daría un verdadero ejemplo que seguir

Aún no existes

Pero yo te enseñaré

Dos lecciones importantes

A nunca dejar que nadie te robe tus sueños

Que harás cosas maravillosas

Y que a ti desde antes de existir

Tu vida estará llena de amor.

Porque aún no existes

Y yo daría todo por ti.

18.10.19

A distancia nada es sencillo

Nada es simple

Y todo tiene su precio

El pago tienden a ser lágrimas

Dolor en el pecho

Y el saber que te conviertes

En justo lo que prometiste nunca serías

El premio,

Su sonrisa, las risas

Los pocos momentos donde todo se siente menos lejos

El tiempo incrementa

La distancia se vuelve real

El pago aumenta

El premio cada vez es menos

Y el pensamiento constantemente

Te atormenta

En la distancia todo pega

Y aunq aquellos momentos fugazes de encuentro antes daban esperanza

Ahora se vuelven sólo recuerdos

El tiempo

La distancia

Enemigos del corazón

04.07.19

Copyright CVQR

Vivo en un mudo de fantasía

Tu y yo estamos juntos

Caminamos agarrados de las manos

Despertamos juntos

Dormimos juntos

Vivimos juntos

Respiro de tu mismo aire

Y tu mano acaricia mi cuerpo

La noche dura solo unas horas

Y al tan solo voltearme te siento

Vivo en un mundo de fantasía

Tus ojos ven su reflejo en los míos

La hora cambia al mismo instante

Y puedo oír tus pasos al acercarte

Suena mi alarma

Despierto

Y ya no estás

En tu lugar

mi almohada

Entre mis brazos

el vacío

Y en esta realidad

Solo tu foto puedo mirar.

Una lágrima cae

La sigue otra y miles igual

Al esperar oír

De tu voz

Que el mundo de fantasia

Se volverá nuestra realidad

28.05.19

For Jacl

Copyright: CVQR

Yep and I’m not there… so here is a little article:Why I watch Sense 8 and why I’m sad it’s done…So please don’t spoil it for me… I’m actually just in the second season but hooked. But why did I start watching it? Well… I was at my bestie’s and well she was watching it so I asked questions, besides it’s great storyline the main reason why I started watching it was the amazing diversity in it. In my opinion one for the first series that has inclusion as a theme rather than diversity.Let me explain… part of what I do for a living is help organisations be more human and inclusive in their practice and also in regards to diversity. Being inclusive is promoting diversity in all its forms so it goes beyond the compliance bit.I loved the idea behind sense 8. It focuses on different cultures, ways of life, nationalities, gender, races, sexual orientation… all in one series. I was amazed to see a lesbian couple, a trans actress, the Caucasian character dating an Asian character, a gay couple from Mexico, and well you get the point… like in real life!!! Up to now I’d always wondered why in TV and Film we felt that having diversity meant having a black couple, or a token Asian or token gay person. Not really representative of humans at all. This series yes shows some of the challenges, cultural differences and holds up the mirror to society by making it normal. Within the cluster no one ever questions the other, it’s just who they are, and that’s what it should really be in real life… shouldn’t it?No matter who you love, where they come from, etc. We are just human beings and representing this within the arts the way it is, is just one awesome ways to bring society to realise we are all the same. So yes I’m sad to know I will only be watching two seasons… I feel we need so many more series like this and congrats to Netflix for supporting series like Sense 8, You Me Her and other many awesome series that celebrate life and touch upon these subjects! Happy Pride!

wil-stewart-24560-unsplashCómo pausar el tiempo

Cuando te tengo entre mis brazos

El deslizar poco a poco de tu mano sobre mi piel

Poder ponerlo en cámara lenta.

Tus besos tan solo al cerrar los ojos,

Volverlos a sentir.

 

Cómo dejar que el tiempo no corra,

Cuando estas a mi lado

Que sea una eternidad en vez de

Solo un momento.

El poder disfrutar sin pensar en el adiós.

El amarte sin pensar en que ya no estarás.

 

Pausar el tiempo, o detenerte

Ya no dejarte ir

Pero al final la realidad se asoma

Fría y calculadora

Te roba de nuevo de mí

Y con el tiempo

Tu recuerdo es solo eso, recuerdos

Y un sueño futuro.

 

Como quisiera darle pausa al tiempo

Cuando tus ojos en los míos están

Cuando me ves como si fuera lo único otro en este universo

Y decirle a mi cuerpo que te volveré a tener

Quizás, tal vez, un día después.

 

Cómo pausar el tiempo

Y ya nunca más llegar

A ese odiado adiós.

06.06.18

Copyright: CVQR

istock-512201570

I hate labels. We try to give everything a label in order to help us better understand who people are, rather than accepting people as they are.

All my life I’ve struggled labeling myself, trying to fit in into one particular category as if I was an item in a store. Dating apps make it even harder but life has shown me there are no real labels and everything is subjective. It’s strange in the LGBT+ scene because you’d expect it to be more understanding but at the end we just keep adding more letters in an attempt to identify, conform and label ourselves to a box. I’m against labeling myself L or B or P because at the end of the day it is my belief you cannot control who you fall in love with and the idea of “love is love” is indeed the most accurate thing I’ve seen bounced around. I once went on a date with a girl who was very bi-phobic and although I had never had a boyfriend up to that date I had already once fallen for a man… so date was over. I never really understood the issue… never have. You fall in love with who you fall in love with… there’s an incomprehensible attraction, a spark, chemistry, their personality and this little tingly feeling that makes your whole body shake when you see them. It doesn’t matter gender or sexual preference. In different aspects of my life I’ve been asked about my own preferences… in an attempt to explain I end up talking in percentages and at the end of the day “never say never”… so I just plainly decide to label myself as a human being. At the end of the day that’s all we are with our complexities and wonderful curious nature and if we could just accept that, there would be no more need for labels and people feeling like they don’t belong because there is nothing just quite right for who they are.

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